My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
