i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
