You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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