My sheets look like a crime scene.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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