So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We are all done wearing pants today
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
