Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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