I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
