Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
