I feel great
I just peed on a car
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
