Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
