u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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