i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
