I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
