I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
