this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
