Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
