There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
