ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
