it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
