You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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