Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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