I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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