i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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