make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
