i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
