I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
