You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
