My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
