So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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