I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
