NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
