I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
