so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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