It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
