my vag is so smooth its legendary
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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