Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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