she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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