got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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