Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
