Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
