I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
