I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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