The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
honey bunches of taint.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
