cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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