We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
