false alarm. still invincible.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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