u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My cat gives me a boner
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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