I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
