he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Two words: blizzard sex
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
