I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
