i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
