I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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