Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
