How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
