Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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