1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You ate ashes out of my bong
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
